[The first thing Hannibal did when he got into one of the single rooms was go into the bathroom, shed his bloodied clothing, and scrub them with cold water and dish soap. It wouldn't get all the blood out, but it would help. Then he washed himself, sponging the blood from his face, his hair, his hands. The water in the sink swirled with red, and Hannibal closed his eyes for a moment, just breathing. He could never forget what happened, the ugliness seared into his perfect memory.
He hung up his clothes, then put on his spare shirt and his damp boxers, and sat on the bed. He took out his tablet, and messaged Will.
It did not go well.
When John comes in, Hannibal is staring at the snow covered window. He turns his head, and smiles politely at the man, the smile not reaching his tired eyes, unable to hide his sorrow. He took the plate.]
I... know it's not really my place, but if you need someone to talk to... [He bites his lip.]
I've been through this before. The town. You can't let it get to you, mate. What happened, what you did, it wasn't you. It doesn't really make it easier thinking of it like that. It never gets easier. [He winces.] But don't let anyone tell you this was your fault. Whoever you hurt, we'll handle it. I can talk to them for you, explain what happened. The death price.
We'll get you over to Mr. Graham and... it won't be okay, but it'll be what it is. I know he misses you. I spoke with him after you went into the morgue. He's probably gonna be hurt with what happened, but... if you can make him understand that it was for him... maybe...
[He trails off. Uncertain where he's trying to go with that. Hannibal and Will aren't himself and Sherlock. But John remembers the betrayal and hurt running deep after Sherlock returned from the dead.]
[John is very kind, and there is a part of Hannibal, the part that is cool and rational, that is considering how best to take advantage of that on a larger scale, in the long game. But more immediately Hannibal sincerely appreciates the other doctor's care and compassion. It will help him emerge from this in a number of ways. Reinforcing the idea that Hannibal was not actually a murderer, of course. And perhaps also in healing the rift with Will.
He touches the chicken salad sandwich, almost absently.]
He doesn't believe I went in the morgue in order to protect him.
[John sits down on the bed next to Hannibal. Near enough to be companionable, but keeping some relative distance to avoid crowding him.]
It can be hard. [He glances down at his hands, more willing to share in support of someone hurting than in the context of a therapist.] Back home, um... Sherlock, he had to... he pretended to kill himself. It was to protect me and some of our friends. He was being blackmailed with out lives. I didn't know that at the time, though. And... to make it look real he... We had a phone call before he jumped off the roof of a building while I was watching. That's the last memory I had when I first arrived here. The funeral, a little bit after it.
And then he was here. You know, I thought I was getting borrowed time. And then... some things happened and it came out that it was fake. And why it happened.
It hurt. It still hurts. Because even though I know he did it to save lives, my life. It's... that trust. And everything you think you know about someone, about the truth. It's like having the rug pulled out from under you, and there's not even a floor there, you just tumble.
He's killed himself here a few times for experiments. And it hurts every time.
Will... he loves you, right? I can honestly see why he'd have a hard time seeing it, mate. That it was to protect him. Even when he does see it, can think rationally about it, that's not gonna help much. There's still that hurt. That you'd do something like that to him. That you wouldn't... let him come with you. He'll be wondering when you'll do it again. What the truth is, if he can trust anything you say.
[John clears his throat and glances away.]
Probably the best thing you can do is give it a little time and... if there's another person he trusts who can talk him into giving you another chance. And don't... do that again, basically. Show him that the good things he believes about you are real.
[That calm, rational part of Hannibal's mind absorbs the man's story, remembering for the purposes of perhaps using it later to his own advantage. The rest of him, though, was still aching, and the doctor's words were having little effect. He sets aside the plate, and looks again at the snow- covered window. Dark and cold and confining.]
Our circumstances, Dr. Watson, are not equivalent. Will was entirely prepared to be the one to put on the suit. He felt righteous doing exactly what I did to him, to Dr. House. He would have killed himself for the sake of his friend, and left me in the process, even after I asked him not to.
[He swallows, feeling tears welling.]
I have no reason to believe he will not do something comparable in the future.
[Seeing tears makes John's heart ache for the other man. It also has him changing tacks.]
Maybe that's the conversation you should have with him, then? [He reaches out to place a hand on Hannibal's shoulder.] Death shouldn't be on the table for either of you. If he's hellbent on keeping Dr. House safe, then maybe you can work together on that, explain you want to find a way together so that no one needs to die. Not you for him, him for House. Or House with one of his bloody experiments. This place piles on enough of that without us helping it along.
You're both clever blokes, very clever from what I've seen. [For better or worse. John doesn't always like Will's insights focused on him, but as with Sherlock, he can appreciate the genius inherent behind it. Hannibal he hasn't seen as much of that from. He also hasn't been in the habit of butting heads with Hannibal. So. In any case, if the man was working with the FBI, he likely had to have been on his game, as well.] You can make it work as a team.
[As is the case in most things Hannibal does, those tears are both sincere and calculated. They arise out of a truly-felt sorrow over the loss of his lover, and he allows them to be shown to elicit this response from the other man. Hannibal lowers his head, closing his eyes, and the tears fall down his cheeks.]
I am not certain he would wish to collaborate. I believe he would consider he has too much to lose. And would not wish to be beholden to such an agreement between us.
[He shakes his head slightly, eyes still closed.]
He believes he is protecting me, in his own way. Curious, how neither of us feel protected.
[John's not particularly thinking about strategy or deception in the moment. His usual suspicion takes a backseat when someone is suffering in front of him.]
I'll protect you. [Well, that's not really helpful for the current problem, but the words are out all the same, earnest and accompanied by a squeeze of John's hand on Hannibal's shoulder. He can hear Sherlock in his head, needling him to being so quick to jump to the defense, ever the soldier.]
Sorry. I just mean... I can take care of things while you sort it out with Will. [Maybe if he saves enough people, it won't hurt as much to have Mary gone. To have the memory of all the people he hasn't been able to protect or save here.] You can sort it out. I'm sure. You both care about each other. Enough to put your lives on the line.
He just needs to understand you really do want a partnership, right? That there's more to gain than there is to lose with that. What would you tell him if he were here to listen? Not about anything bad. What things would you tell him you're going to do moving forward that would help the both of you?
[Hannibal raises his hand to touch John's hand on his shoulder in quiet appreciation. He sighs and looks up, looking over at the window for a moment, before looking back to John.]
I would tell him that I am better with him. That we are stronger together. And that I would give him my life if he would give me his.
[He remembers a wedding ring tucked in his bag, one he had considered giving to Will.]
[Says the man who married an assassin... and chose to live with Sherlock Holmes. And then befriended the Winter Soldier. And a gang lord. And another assassin. And fell in love with a con artist for a stretch there. John's just not going to think about his own life choices for a little while. He offers Hannibal a gentle smile.]
Maybe focus on how you feel about him. Let him tell you you're his beloved. I'm sure you are... he just doesn't seem much like a man who likes to be told. [At least in John's experience with him.]
I know before he got here he was fighting someone, a very bad man who'd... somehow become his best friend. [If John were a bit more on his game, he might make a connection here, but it goes unremarked for the moment.] Took him over the edge of a cliff. Maybe focus on the fact you're making up for time the two of you missed together? That that man stole away when Will had to kill him. That you would have missed if you were back home, as well. Not to guilt him. [Just a quick clarification there.] But a reminder, right? Life's too short. And it can be over before you know it. Especially here.
I'm aware you two are often at odds. Will can be a difficult man to interact with, for a number of reasons. But he is, at his core, a man of compassion and strength. Even when his...peculiarities make it difficult for him to interact with others.
[Hannibal listens to John's recounting of what Will had told him about this "bad man," and wonders what it would be like to tell the good doctor the truth. That he was Will's best friend, the one he had taken over a cliff, the one who was locked in a relationship of deadly give and take with the man he loved. Perhaps were this conversation to happen when he was still devoid of his self-control, he would have told him. But as intriguing the prospect, he decided that at the moment it would do no good for anyone.]
The man you speak of...Will's relationship with him is not easily discounted. Will sees in him the man that he himself is capable of being. In ways that are both positive and negative. I sometimes wonder if he still struggles with that. Or if he has made his peace with it. Forgiven him, for the...inconvenient compassion they shared.
I don't discount it. [This is a bit of an odd tangent, and John's brows furrow for a moment.] I've just seen what it's like when a psychopath catches hold of... someone with certain sorts of peculiarities.
[His mind turns briefly to Sherlock and Moriarty and whatever the hell that rivalry between them had been, and he looks toward the doorway, unconsciously seeking out his friend. John would be surprised if Sherlock had spent two hours with the man in the sum total of their acquaintance, and yet... his life, so much of his attention and his mind had been consumed by that man, to the point he'd become Moriarty for a time as a death price.
But friendship...]
Caring about someone like that's little more than inconvenient. But... if the bloke he took over the edge really cared about him, too, wasn't just putting on a show of it... maybe he wasn't all bad. Real psychopaths don't care about anyone. [He says it with the conviction of a man who has made up his mind for a particular and somewhat defensive reason. Sherlock's been accused of being psychotic by more than one person, including Will, himself.] Not really, just what other people can do for them.
[They're really getting off topic.]
Anyway, if he has forgiven that man for... whatever reason, I think there's hope for you, Hannibal. Maybe by the time we make it over to the other residential zone he'll have had time to mull it all over. A little time can't hurt, now he knows you're back and alive, and he doesn't have to worry about that.
I do believe he sincerely cared for Will. We are quick to label those whose actions we are repelled by, because it is easier to see them as other than to accept that we are not so different from them. We call such people monsters to avoid admitting that we are all of us monstrous, in one way or another. We want to believe they do not feel, when in truth many feel very deeply, and it is in this that they find beauty in the darkness.
There is darkness in Will. It has, as far as I have been able to ascertain, always been there. To a certain extent, this relationship has allowed him to understand himself more fully, and to embrace in himself that which he once feared.
I embrace everything about him, his light and his darkness. And is that not love? To know someone completely, to truly see them, and to chose them, time after time?
[John's fairly certain the deepest thing James Moriarty has ever felt is boredom. People like him, like Magnussen, like Culverton, they're not even monsters, they're worse than that in John's mind.
He doesn't expect Hannibal's really looking for a philosophical debate on his points, one by one, so John refrains. He has thoughts about it, about the idea that there's darkness in everyone. Will wouldn't be the first man who has fallen prey to his darker impulses, but there's a part of John that has to believe dragging the man with him over the cliff is evidence that the light had won out in Will's heart. Much as he might not like the man, John can respect that.]
That sounds like love, yeah. Maybe... he feels like he doesn't know you at this point, though? Or like you don't know him.
[Hannibal swallows and looks away, a look of pain crossing his face. His voice is quiet and strained.]
I am afraid that might be the case, yes. Which...
[He shakes his head, looking down, the tears once again threatening.]
Will saw me, and understood me, in a way no one ever had. It was...very precious to me. The idea of having...lost that...being unseen and unknown, even by the man I...have loved...
[The odd moment of... debating the nature of monsters seems to have passed and John's on more stable footing again. He doesn't really know Hannibal well enough to offer more than that hand on his shoulder, but the doctor does lean in a little bit.]
Hey, sometimes people say things they don't mean when they're upset. Or they lose sight for a moment. But it's like... blinking, right? You close your eyes for a moment and you're blind, can't understand, then it's back. Will's just between opening his eyes. I'm sure.
[He's... not, but he's going to try to be reassuring for the distressed man in front of him.]
[He shakes his head again. Hannibal survives, it's what he does. And he would survive this. But it would change him. When the hole ripped in his soul finally stopped bleeding, he would be different. He would not be whole.]
Let's let the future be the future. [John's far better at handing out practical advice than accepting it.] We'll see how things go when we meet up with him. Being there in person can help a lot, too. There's something to be said for touch. [John lets his hand slide from Hannibal's shoulder.] And there's really only so much you can do on the network, even with video.
[Hannibal nods, looking away again, taking a breath and composing himself. He is very rarely so overcome with emotion, and he doesn't like it. Not at all. It's a weakness, a vulnerability. He had consumed his sister to forgive her for the way she made him feel, the love that was a chink in his well-crafted armor. And he had once believed that he would have to do the same to Will, consume him in order to move on from him. He has since decided otherwise, but that doesn't stop part of him from wondering if perhaps he would be better off with Will in his stomach instead of in his head and heart.
Of course, in this place, even if he did eat his friend, he'd just appear again.
[John doesn't imagine it's something Hannibal wants to dwell on.]
Right.
[He doesn't just want to leave the man despondent, but he's running out of assurances to offer.]
What, um... when you're feeling down, is there anything particular you like to do to cheer yourself up? I know there isn't a lot we can do here, but... if there's anything I can do for you?
I have paper and pencils to draw with. [The offer is immediate.] D'you like listening to music, as well? I can ask Sherlock to pull out his violin. He's incredibly gifted. Playing and composing. Wrote a song for- [John breaks off for just a moment for he pushes down the emotion and carries on. The waltz Sherlock had written for John and Mary's wedding, he'd been about to say.] He's written songs for special occasions.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2018-04-09 02:20 am (UTC)From:He hung up his clothes, then put on his spare shirt and his damp boxers, and sat on the bed. He took out his tablet, and messaged Will.
It did not go well.
When John comes in, Hannibal is staring at the snow covered window. He turns his head, and smiles politely at the man, the smile not reaching his tired eyes, unable to hide his sorrow. He took the plate.]
Thank you.
no subject
Date: 2018-04-09 02:33 am (UTC)From:I... know it's not really my place, but if you need someone to talk to... [He bites his lip.]
I've been through this before. The town. You can't let it get to you, mate. What happened, what you did, it wasn't you. It doesn't really make it easier thinking of it like that. It never gets easier. [He winces.] But don't let anyone tell you this was your fault. Whoever you hurt, we'll handle it. I can talk to them for you, explain what happened. The death price.
We'll get you over to Mr. Graham and... it won't be okay, but it'll be what it is. I know he misses you. I spoke with him after you went into the morgue. He's probably gonna be hurt with what happened, but... if you can make him understand that it was for him... maybe...
[He trails off. Uncertain where he's trying to go with that. Hannibal and Will aren't himself and Sherlock. But John remembers the betrayal and hurt running deep after Sherlock returned from the dead.]
no subject
Date: 2018-04-09 03:05 am (UTC)From:He touches the chicken salad sandwich, almost absently.]
He doesn't believe I went in the morgue in order to protect him.
cw: suicide
Date: 2018-04-09 03:33 am (UTC)From:It can be hard. [He glances down at his hands, more willing to share in support of someone hurting than in the context of a therapist.] Back home, um... Sherlock, he had to... he pretended to kill himself. It was to protect me and some of our friends. He was being blackmailed with out lives. I didn't know that at the time, though. And... to make it look real he... We had a phone call before he jumped off the roof of a building while I was watching. That's the last memory I had when I first arrived here. The funeral, a little bit after it.
And then he was here. You know, I thought I was getting borrowed time. And then... some things happened and it came out that it was fake. And why it happened.
It hurt. It still hurts. Because even though I know he did it to save lives, my life. It's... that trust. And everything you think you know about someone, about the truth. It's like having the rug pulled out from under you, and there's not even a floor there, you just tumble.
He's killed himself here a few times for experiments. And it hurts every time.
Will... he loves you, right? I can honestly see why he'd have a hard time seeing it, mate. That it was to protect him. Even when he does see it, can think rationally about it, that's not gonna help much. There's still that hurt. That you'd do something like that to him. That you wouldn't... let him come with you. He'll be wondering when you'll do it again. What the truth is, if he can trust anything you say.
[John clears his throat and glances away.]
Probably the best thing you can do is give it a little time and... if there's another person he trusts who can talk him into giving you another chance. And don't... do that again, basically. Show him that the good things he believes about you are real.
Re: cw: suicide
Date: 2018-04-09 05:56 pm (UTC)From:Our circumstances, Dr. Watson, are not equivalent. Will was entirely prepared to be the one to put on the suit. He felt righteous doing exactly what I did to him, to Dr. House. He would have killed himself for the sake of his friend, and left me in the process, even after I asked him not to.
[He swallows, feeling tears welling.]
I have no reason to believe he will not do something comparable in the future.
cw: suicide
Date: 2018-04-09 06:12 pm (UTC)From:Maybe that's the conversation you should have with him, then? [He reaches out to place a hand on Hannibal's shoulder.] Death shouldn't be on the table for either of you. If he's hellbent on keeping Dr. House safe, then maybe you can work together on that, explain you want to find a way together so that no one needs to die. Not you for him, him for House. Or House with one of his bloody experiments. This place piles on enough of that without us helping it along.
You're both clever blokes, very clever from what I've seen. [For better or worse. John doesn't always like Will's insights focused on him, but as with Sherlock, he can appreciate the genius inherent behind it. Hannibal he hasn't seen as much of that from. He also hasn't been in the habit of butting heads with Hannibal. So. In any case, if the man was working with the FBI, he likely had to have been on his game, as well.] You can make it work as a team.
Re: cw: suicide
Date: 2018-04-09 07:33 pm (UTC)From:I am not certain he would wish to collaborate. I believe he would consider he has too much to lose. And would not wish to be beholden to such an agreement between us.
[He shakes his head slightly, eyes still closed.]
He believes he is protecting me, in his own way. Curious, how neither of us feel protected.
cw: suicide
Date: 2018-04-09 08:53 pm (UTC)From:I'll protect you. [Well, that's not really helpful for the current problem, but the words are out all the same, earnest and accompanied by a squeeze of John's hand on Hannibal's shoulder. He can hear Sherlock in his head, needling him to being so quick to jump to the defense, ever the soldier.]
Sorry. I just mean... I can take care of things while you sort it out with Will. [Maybe if he saves enough people, it won't hurt as much to have Mary gone. To have the memory of all the people he hasn't been able to protect or save here.] You can sort it out. I'm sure. You both care about each other. Enough to put your lives on the line.
He just needs to understand you really do want a partnership, right? That there's more to gain than there is to lose with that. What would you tell him if he were here to listen? Not about anything bad. What things would you tell him you're going to do moving forward that would help the both of you?
Re: cw: suicide
Date: 2018-04-10 12:01 am (UTC)From:I would tell him that I am better with him. That we are stronger together. And that I would give him my life if he would give me his.
[He remembers a wedding ring tucked in his bag, one he had considered giving to Will.]
That he is my beloved, and I am his.
cw: suicide
Date: 2018-04-10 01:15 am (UTC)From:[Says the man who married an assassin... and chose to live with Sherlock Holmes. And then befriended the Winter Soldier. And a gang lord. And another assassin. And fell in love with a con artist for a stretch there. John's just not going to think about his own life choices for a little while. He offers Hannibal a gentle smile.]
Maybe focus on how you feel about him. Let him tell you you're his beloved. I'm sure you are... he just doesn't seem much like a man who likes to be told. [At least in John's experience with him.]
I know before he got here he was fighting someone, a very bad man who'd... somehow become his best friend. [If John were a bit more on his game, he might make a connection here, but it goes unremarked for the moment.] Took him over the edge of a cliff. Maybe focus on the fact you're making up for time the two of you missed together? That that man stole away when Will had to kill him. That you would have missed if you were back home, as well. Not to guilt him. [Just a quick clarification there.] But a reminder, right? Life's too short. And it can be over before you know it. Especially here.
Re: cw: suicide
Date: 2018-04-10 01:45 am (UTC)From:[Hannibal listens to John's recounting of what Will had told him about this "bad man," and wonders what it would be like to tell the good doctor the truth. That he was Will's best friend, the one he had taken over a cliff, the one who was locked in a relationship of deadly give and take with the man he loved. Perhaps were this conversation to happen when he was still devoid of his self-control, he would have told him. But as intriguing the prospect, he decided that at the moment it would do no good for anyone.]
The man you speak of...Will's relationship with him is not easily discounted. Will sees in him the man that he himself is capable of being. In ways that are both positive and negative. I sometimes wonder if he still struggles with that. Or if he has made his peace with it. Forgiven him, for the...inconvenient compassion they shared.
cw: suicide
Date: 2018-04-10 03:28 am (UTC)From:[His mind turns briefly to Sherlock and Moriarty and whatever the hell that rivalry between them had been, and he looks toward the doorway, unconsciously seeking out his friend. John would be surprised if Sherlock had spent two hours with the man in the sum total of their acquaintance, and yet... his life, so much of his attention and his mind had been consumed by that man, to the point he'd become Moriarty for a time as a death price.
But friendship...]
Caring about someone like that's little more than inconvenient. But... if the bloke he took over the edge really cared about him, too, wasn't just putting on a show of it... maybe he wasn't all bad. Real psychopaths don't care about anyone. [He says it with the conviction of a man who has made up his mind for a particular and somewhat defensive reason. Sherlock's been accused of being psychotic by more than one person, including Will, himself.] Not really, just what other people can do for them.
[They're really getting off topic.]
Anyway, if he has forgiven that man for... whatever reason, I think there's hope for you, Hannibal. Maybe by the time we make it over to the other residential zone he'll have had time to mull it all over. A little time can't hurt, now he knows you're back and alive, and he doesn't have to worry about that.
Re: cw: suicide
Date: 2018-04-10 04:40 am (UTC)From:There is darkness in Will. It has, as far as I have been able to ascertain, always been there. To a certain extent, this relationship has allowed him to understand himself more fully, and to embrace in himself that which he once feared.
I embrace everything about him, his light and his darkness. And is that not love? To know someone completely, to truly see them, and to chose them, time after time?
cw: suicide
Date: 2018-04-10 05:00 am (UTC)From:He doesn't expect Hannibal's really looking for a philosophical debate on his points, one by one, so John refrains. He has thoughts about it, about the idea that there's darkness in everyone. Will wouldn't be the first man who has fallen prey to his darker impulses, but there's a part of John that has to believe dragging the man with him over the cliff is evidence that the light had won out in Will's heart. Much as he might not like the man, John can respect that.]
That sounds like love, yeah. Maybe... he feels like he doesn't know you at this point, though? Or like you don't know him.
Re: cw: suicide
Date: 2018-04-10 05:10 am (UTC)From:I am afraid that might be the case, yes. Which...
[He shakes his head, looking down, the tears once again threatening.]
Will saw me, and understood me, in a way no one ever had. It was...very precious to me. The idea of having...lost that...being unseen and unknown, even by the man I...have loved...
[He shakes his head again, unable to finish.]
cw: suicide
Date: 2018-04-10 05:16 am (UTC)From:Hey, sometimes people say things they don't mean when they're upset. Or they lose sight for a moment. But it's like... blinking, right? You close your eyes for a moment and you're blind, can't understand, then it's back. Will's just between opening his eyes. I'm sure.
[He's... not, but he's going to try to be reassuring for the distressed man in front of him.]
Re: cw: suicide
Date: 2018-04-10 05:32 am (UTC)From:[He shakes his head again. Hannibal survives, it's what he does. And he would survive this. But it would change him. When the hole ripped in his soul finally stopped bleeding, he would be different. He would not be whole.]
cw: suicide
Date: 2018-04-10 05:38 am (UTC)From:Re: cw: suicide
Date: 2018-04-11 04:06 am (UTC)From:Of course, in this place, even if he did eat his friend, he'd just appear again.
He takes another breath.]
How long will it take us to reach them?
cw: suicide
Date: 2018-04-11 04:12 am (UTC)From:Did you... let him know what happened? With your death price.
Re: cw: suicide
Date: 2018-04-11 04:33 am (UTC)From:[Hannibal leaves it vague, because when Will knew was problematic if he didn't immediately broadcast the danger he posed.]
no subject
Date: 2018-04-11 04:37 am (UTC)From:Right.
[He doesn't just want to leave the man despondent, but he's running out of assurances to offer.]
What, um... when you're feeling down, is there anything particular you like to do to cheer yourself up? I know there isn't a lot we can do here, but... if there's anything I can do for you?
no subject
Date: 2018-04-11 04:43 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2018-04-11 04:48 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2018-04-13 03:31 am (UTC)From:Would your friend be willing to play for me? I did almost murder him.
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From: