You have reached Dr. Lecter's secure voicemail (Snowblind)

[tablewithoutpity]

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Re: voice

[tablewithoutpity]

Then I am sorry to disappoint you. For I am truly...distressed by my actions in those two days.

[He would say ashamed, but won't...not because he wasn't, but because it verges on weakness.]

I would never have done those things otherwise.

[It sounds true because it is true, for a certain value of "true."]

voice

[bookofnope]

[It's a professional act, and would probably have taken in anyone without three centuries' experience in mind games. It takes Beckett in at least partially. He's inclined to give the benefit of doubt.

But he's also inclined to keep pushing.]

Who is the Ripper, Lecter?

Re: voice

[tablewithoutpity]

[Ah, so that entered the conversation somehow. Terribly careless of Will and House, really.]

The name refers to a serial killer known as the Chesapeake Ripper. Will and I both assisted the FBI in their pursuit of him.

[Well...whether what Hannibal did was helping was a matter of opinion.]

It is an unfortunate fact that those who seek out the darkness tend to be influenced by it. What Will in particular went through is a strong example of that.

voice

[bookofnope]

What he went through?

[He feels like he's being led on, but he's already tilted full force into the conversation. He can pick through the information later, sift the wheat from the chaff from the poison.]

I presume that that is meant to explain his willingness to murder on your behalf without batting an eye.

Re: voice

[tablewithoutpity]

Not entirely. Certainly a significant percentage of the reason behind his actions lies in his desire to protect me. Which, if you remember, I began this conversation expressing my apologies for. But his experiences do incline him in a certain way, making some unfortunate things more likely.

voice

[bookofnope]

I do remember. Unfortunately, considering I'm sure he'd do it again in a heartbeat, your apology's as useless as an ice pack.

[He doesn't blame Hannibal. He just wants to understand -]

What are you to him? A lover? Nothing so ordinary. You put up an excellent show, but you're both killers.

Re: voice

[tablewithoutpity]

Indeed. Had I been there, I could have stopped Will from harming you. But that's rather the point, is it not.

As for what we are to each other...lovers is true but insufficient. We see each other in a way most, if not all, cannot.

voice

[bookofnope]

I'm sure you could... but I'm not sure you would have.

[Considering what was on the line.]

I am sure you understand why I want to know. Graham is eager to tell me this doesn't have to involve me, but I'd say being killed is plenty of involvement already.

@jwatson; text; Night 361

[jumpthegun]

[John's been wrestling with whether to actually bother Hannibal ever since they'd returned from the cells. He wants to check in on the man, but he's also looking for advice and he doesn't want to come off as just using the excuse of being friendly to solicit a therapist's opinion. But Mina's dead and he isn't sure what to do. It's another person he failed to protect. Another woman he cared about and who was relying on him.

He can at least lead with the business, and then get into the personal. That's probably the right order of operations.]

Sorry to bother you Dr. Lecter. Hannibal. Do you have a moment? I'm sorry. I know it's late. I just needed to check with you about something. It's... as regarding a psychiatric matter. I've been getting conflicting advice from two people I trust, and it would help to have a neutral third party.

text

[tablewithoutpity]

[Hannibal had likewise been thinking of contacting John after what happened in the cells, to see how he was doing, so he was pleased to receive a message from the man. The content made him frown faintly in concern.]

Of course, John. I am always available to help a friend. What has been troubling you?

[jumpthegun]

I have two friends who both care about me a lot. We've been through hell together here. One of them at home. They're very different people, though. And they've got different ideas about how best to deal with trauma.

One of them thinks it's best to just press on. There's no real time to stop here. We're running out of time. We need to save everyone. Every person's vital to that effort, and I'm one of the few doctors here. I have a lot of medical supplies. I'm a trained trauma surgeon and battlefield medic. So, fight on, deal with everything later when there's a better time for it.

The other one thinks it's better to... fall to pieces, I guess you'd say. Just break, and deal with everything that's been building up now. Let people handle it while I'm out of commission. [Useless. Is what he really means.] And try to piece myself back together in the middle of everything going on that's still going on. And going to keep going on.

I ended up having a bit of a row with my mate who wants the latter. We made a deal that we'd talk to each other about some of the things happening here. He needs it. But neither of us has really been following through.

[tablewithoutpity]

And how do you feel? Which friend do you believe is right?

[jumpthegun]

If I were giving advice to a friend, I'd tell them they should talk about it, deal with it. It's the advice you're supposed to give. I've been to therapy. That's what they want you to do.

But I can't afford to have a mental breakdown. Too many people would worry when they should be taking care of themselves. It'd be selfish.

[tablewithoutpity]

Imagine you are on an airplane, traveling with someone who is under your care. A child, perhaps. Now imagine there is an accident, and the cabin depressurizes suddenly. The panels above your seat open, releasing oxygen masks. One for you, and one for your child. What is the first thing you do?

[jumpthegun]

[... He knows where this is going.]

You put your own mask on first, of course.

But this isn't a plane crash. I don't need to do this. I can manage. I've been managing. I should be able to manage.

[tablewithoutpity]

I'm certain at least one of your previous therapists have brought up the danger of "should." One may just as well believe that they "should" be able to hold their breath long enough to first put the oxygen mask on their child. And perhaps they can. What then? The oxygen in your lungs will not last forever. Eventually you will have to take a breath. There is no shame in that, no moral judgement.

[jumpthegun]

You don't understand.

[It comes out in a rush of typing.]

Hannibal, I saw Mary down in the cells. I saw my wife. Before all of you turned up, they injected us with something. Some of us were having delusions. Then hallucinations. I saw her. I thought she was alive again. I really thought she was there with us.

The last time I had a breakdown, I saw her, too. At home. She was murdered. I've been hallucinating her at home. I want to be able to see her again. I want to hear her, talk to her. I could even feel her sometimes. If I take a breath, it's her. And I don't want to forget about the person sitting next to me. I can't.

[tablewithoutpity]

You believe that because you saw your wife in the cells, a breakdown like your previous one is imminent?

[jumpthegun]

No.

[He's getting frustrated with himself not being able to explain.]

I believe that if I have a breakdown, I know what's going to happen. And I don't think I'd want it to stop if it means having her back. Even if it's not really her.

[tablewithoutpity]

My apologies. I believe I understand now.

I have known a number of people who have, shall we say, invisible companions. Some are people I've treated, yes, but some are friends who are entirely capable of going about their lives in, for lack of a better word, a normal way. Having your wife by your side need not prevent you from fulfilling your perceived responsibilities here.

[jumpthegun]

[John stares at that message for a long while. On the one hand, it's... something he wants to hear. On the other. That seems ill-advised. But Hannibal's the actual psychiatrist between the two of them.]

I guess I'm a little confused. Isn't hallucinating people typically considered a bad thing? People get institutionalized for less.

[tablewithoutpity]

Typically people are institutionalized because they are a danger to others or themselves. "Danger" to themselves being somewhat broadly defined. If you were unable to function due to this singular hallucination, then a case could be made. Likewise if she were telling you to do things you would otherwise find abhorrent. Or if you were entirely unable to distinguish the reality inside your head from that outside your head. But it sounds to me that you know this is a hallucination. And that it in and of itself is not interfering with your ability to function. Indeed, from what you've told me, it would appear her presence is helping you to function.

[jumpthegun]

Hannibal, what if someone else finds out it's happening? They'll think I've gone mental. Sherlock's already picked up on it before.

[tablewithoutpity]

It is always your choice how much or how little you reveal to others. You do not owe an explanation to anyone. If it is helping you function, what other people believe is irrelevant.

I am curious how Sherlock reacted before, however.

[jumpthegun]

['Why do you care what other people think?' It's a demand that's been leveled at him more than once by Sherlock. John never has a very good answer other than 'because they're wrong.' Because he's worried it will get someone he cares about hurt.

Because it got Sherlock 'killed' years ago.]

I don't know. It was a while ago.

[He knows. Can picture Sherlock gazing down at the spot where he knew the hallucination to be.]

Sherlock's different from most people anyway.